When you marry someone you have known all your life, you expect married life to be as seamless as the 'falling and staying in love' part was. My husband and I got married in 2006. Like most couples, we started to plan for a baby one year into our marriage. I did conceive but miscarried a couple of times and ended up with an ectopic pregnancy.
Everything else seemed right with us, and yet it just didn't happen. After numerous blood work, we found what my condition was - "Unexplainable Infertility."
Without much warning, life was suddenly so complicated and unpredictable. I always thought when my husband and I planned on having a baby, we would have one. It was like assuming, if I fall asleep I will wake up in the morning.
When you struggle with infertility, making a baby is no more a private event; it is a nerve wrecking experience now shared with impatient receptionists, doctors, nurses, and ultrasound technicians.
Our whole life became a vicious cycle of waiting. While going through a medicated cycle, we waited every morning in the reproductive endocrinologist’s clinic to get monitored. Then waited to hear from them on how I was responding to the medication and see if there is any chance for a miracle, only to hear "you are obese, you have a PCOS condition." (Polycystic Ovary Syndrome)
Every other friend of mine had a PCOS condition, too. So how did they manage to break the taboo? Did God forget me? Something that I had taken for granted my entire life seemed like an impossible dream. Everyone around me, my friends and family, even celebrities were getting pregnant at the drop of a hat, some with their second and third babies.
"I am not depressed" - became my slogan for many years. But I was.
I dreaded social events because I couldn't handle the 'So, when are you guys going to have a baby? Come on! What are you waiting for? Are you praying enough?'
I felt like a failure for not being able to do the one thing that all other women around me could do so effortlessly. I felt alone and shattered. What if I couldn’t be cured? Where did I start?
I've always believed that if I did my homework, if I worked hard enough, I'd get the results I wanted. But in this case, it was different. No matter how fancy the world gets, there is no technology that can give and sustain LIFE. It was, is, and always will be purely the work of God. So I knelt down and asked Him to do what only He can do.
June 2014 was the month my world turned upside down. I had gone through such procedures a zillion times before with no effect. But with a grain of hope I took a home pregnancy test - only to see two solid lines indicating that I was pregnant!
For the first few weeks I kept telling myself this wasn't real. Then I saw my little baby boy no bigger than a tadpole on the ultrasound screen with a tiny little heart that was beating rapidly. I couldn't believe there was this tiny little human being growing inside me. This 2 inch wonder had a four chambered perfectly functioning heart.
The next few months were all about ultrasounds, fetal heart beats, numerous panic attacks, rapid movement to sluggish movements, false pains, frantic visits to the hospitals and finally my little miracle made his way into this world. His first expression was the smile I had waited to see for years.
I stand as a witness to God's grace, mercy, kindness, and healing. I realised that our Lord is Sovereign; He is the creator of all things — even the womb. When I googled the word " sovereign" I found words and phrases like "monarchy," "superior," "supreme in authority," and " independent of all" in its definition. But the most basic way I could relate to the word is my Sovereign Lord is in "control of everything " - yes even the womb he created.
He is “far above all rule and authority and power and dominion, and above every name that is named, not only in this age but also in the one to come.” Ephesians 1:21
He chooses to close some doors, open few others and the reasons sometimes are beyond our minds to fathom. Some of us get know the reasons, some of us get to witness a miracle, and some of us get to experience his divine grace while waiting on him. He is the God of all things — even the womb. He chooses the time when he opens it, when he closes it, and the reasons. Some of us may know these reasons now, some of us may know someday.
For those still waiting on him, there is hope in the promise that our lord is the ultimate source of authority over everything that exists. I hope you can take peace in the promise that God is ultimately sovereign over our life.
We are not barren even if we struggle with infertility. We are not empty, parched, infertile land. We are created in his IMAGE. We are his handiwork, an illustration and example of his agape love.
Photo Credit: Unsplash
Judith this is so beautiful. As someone who is keen to have a child but has been unsuccessful so far this gave me so much hope. Our God IS in control of the womb He created. Thank you for penning this. I broke down as I read it but was filled with a sense of hope in our sovereign maker! God bless you !!
Thank you Roshini. I've been there and I know how it feels. Glad you take comfort in his Grace and Love. When he comes to our rescue, he does in style.
But as it is written, Eye hath not seen, nor ear heard, neither have entered into the heart of man, the things which God hath prepared for them that love him. Corinthians 2:9
God bless you