In December 2007, three baby boys were born 1Kg each and spent more than a month in the NICU. The doctors didn’t know if they would survive. They were medically fragile and fell sick with frightening regularity until they turned ten.
Those premature babies are now 16 going on 17!
The toddler years were the hardest. I've had myself a good cry on many long, physically, and emotionally taxing days spent alone with the boys. I hardly remember the first five years - they’re all a blur.
But the fruit of surviving the early years is that those rambunctious toddlers eventually grow up to be the sweetest tweens... and the smartest (and sassiest) teens!
Teenagers often get a bad rap. I know I wasn’t the easiest teen to raise, but I’m actually enjoying this mom-of-teens phase. While disciplining them can be a drag and repeating myself a hundred times is annoying, it’s by far my favourite parenting era. Teens are more understanding; they're fully functioning members of the family capable of shouldering a great deal of responsibility and are just fun to be with.
Not that I’m an expert in any way, but here are a few things I’m learning that can help us do this teen parenting thing well.
1. Attention
Teenagers need attention, even when they don’t show it. Since we have triplets, it’s often difficult to have one-on-one time with each of the boys. But I do try to be present (physically and mentally) when they’re home, and we end up having the most candid conversations.
I’m also learning to put the phone down when they speak to me and give them my full attention. If I’m in the middle of something important, I tell them to hold for on a few minutes until I'm done and then listen to them. They value that and are quick to point out when I’m not giving them my undivided attention!
2. Empathy
When someone is in a mood or tempers are flaring, it’s such a challenge to exercise restraint. But if we’re patient with them and empathetic to what they’re going through, we get to keep the situation under control.
“When little people are overwhelmed by big emotions, it’s our job to share our calm, not join their chaos.” L. R. Knost
I read this quote recently and found it's so applicable to teenagers as well. Teens need to feel heard, and it’s easier to have a reasonable discussion when I'm not losing my cool. I’m also learning to heed God’s conviction and apologize when I'm being unreasonable.
3. Space
We have a full house, so it’s become essential to give each other space to breathe, especially when someone’s feeling overwhelmed. When the boys were toddlers, tantrums earned them a time-out. Now when we have disagreements and emotions are running high, some of us put ourselves in time-out!
Yet, it's funny that on most days, all five of us (and the dog) end up lounging together in the same room. When we give our teens the space they need, they start wanting to hang out with us!
4. Clear expectations and boundaries
We’ve always been clear about what’s expected of our boys. Even when they were small, there’d be a post-it stuck on their cupboard with all they had to do before they could play or watch TV. We also have boundaries for screen time, and they lose privileges (things they want/like to do) if we see negative patterns in their attitude or behaviour.
5. Time with God and each other
Our homeschooling years helped us prioritise time with God, and that’s been a great blessing. Most days, we end up discussing something interesting we learnt from the Bible or trying to answer thought-provoking questions.
Going out for an impromptu chai, hanging out with family friends, buying ice cream just because, sharing silly jokes or inspiring song lyrics, discussing the latest happenings in football or Formula 1 (their main interests) – these are just a few things we enjoy doing together as a family.
After having our boys at home 24/7 for the last four years, I really do miss them when they’re at pre-university during the day… and I’m someone who generally values her ‘alone’ time!
The toddler years were tough – but the teen years more than makeup for it. Like they say, the days are long, but the years are short. I used to count down the number of hours till the boys' bedtime, but now I’m savouring the pockets of time we get to hang out together.
If you’re in the trenches of the early years of motherhood, don’t despair… the best years are yet to come!
Photo by Alex Guillaume on Unsplash
