Living through this Present Life-Changing Moment

Ruth Davidar Paul   |   May 5, 2020 

If you’re going to talk about a life-changing moment, this would have to be it. This right here, living through a lockdown while a pandemic ravages nations globally. It wouldn’t be so far-fetched to say that being shut inside my house for the last month has definitely changed my life...

I have my good days and my bad days. Days when I struggle to feed my one year old his breakfast while trying to keep my six year old occupied. Days when I am grateful that I have a house and food while so many many others do not. Days when I lose track of time and wonder whether I really need to change out of my blue pyjamas into my pink ones. Days when I’m all gung-ho about a project and other days when I can barely string a sensible thought together.

Then there are those days when I rage against God because I do not understand His ways.

(Just a heads-up this is not going to be an article about how God answered all my questions.)

Over the last month, I tried to make sense of this spiritually, emotionally, and mentally, but even as I drew a blank, suddenly Easter was upon us. And on that morning, something my husband said really struck a chord with me. In the gloom of my soul, it was like a bright, sunshiny ray of hope!

So what was that pearl of wisdom my husband dropped?

He was describing something he had read – about the disciples and Jesus on the night He was betrayed. Jesus knew the horror that awaited Him in a few hours. And along with the dread and agony, He also knew that His closest friends would abandon Him -

"...Then all the disciples forsook Him and fled." (Mathew 26:56)

Yet, this was what He told His Father about this weak-kneed, cowardly, raggedy band of men –

“...they have kept Your word.” (John 17:6)

“...I am glorified in them.” (John 17:10)

Why? When He knew that they would leave Him at His greatest time of need. When He knew that they were fearful and that the minute they did not understand what was happening (Jesus being arrested, tried, and finally crucified) they would turn tail and give in to their basic instinct – self-preservation. How could He say that He was glorified in them?

Imagine this from the disciples’ perspective for an instant. It had been two horrible days since they’d behaved their absolute worst. They had run away in fear, abandoning the one they’d called Master for the last three and a half years. They were probably afraid they would be next. Perhaps they were grieving the death of their Friend. Perhaps they were remorseful and ashamed at their cowardice and lack of faith but still didn’t have the guts to go out. I doubt they thought they were “keeping God’s word” or “glorifying Him”. They must have been weak, weary, lonely, afraid, and anxious. Pretty much describes me in lockdown!

Yet, this is the beauty of Easter (which my husband so succinctly said). Jesus knew every faithless thought, every unbelieving word, every cowardly action but He still prayed that prayer for His disciples before the cross. And here’s the kicker – when He rose on Easter morning, this is what He said to the women –

"Rejoice!...Do not be afraid. Go and tell My brethren to go to Galilee and there they will see Me."(Matthew 28:9, 10)

Firstly, He was excited to see these guys who’d left Him at the mercy of the soldiers. Secondly, He called them His brothers (not friends, or disciples, or traitors!). And finally, He assured them that they would see Him. He was not going to dump them or reprimand them, but He would meet them with hope and joy!

Basically my husband’s point was this – Jesus knew that they were weak and faithless, yet, He still returned to them.

That floored me. Because I knew that I was exactly where the disciples were. I was struggling to understand God’s plan through all the chaos in the world around me. I felt like I was drowning in my fear and faithlessness. And I felt guilty for not being more spiritually strong. But to know that the Lord of Easter was my Lord, that He returned to His hapless disciples and encouraged them and strengthened them for the work ahead, filled my heart with unspeakable joy and my eyes with tears. He returned for them. He returns for me. That is how much He loves me.

And even as I process Jesus’ love, mercy, and sacrifice anew, I am reminded that though I may not have the answers, I can trust Him who does.

We can trust the love of God. It never settles for a quick fix. It works the greatest possible good at the highest possible price for our eternal joy. Abigail Dodds


Photo by Daniele Levis Pelusi on Unsplash

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Ruth Davidar Paul is a freelance editor, writer, and recently, an artist. She has lived in several cities across India and currently calls Chennai home, where she lives with her husband Abhishek and their children Abigail, Jordan, and Amy. She blogs at and paints @quaintstains on Instagram.

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