Recently, a friend posted this article about finding your “opposite job”; the job that has a set of top 10 (most used) and bottom 10 (least used) skills that are opposite to the skills in your job. Shockingly, the database doesn’t include information on the opposite job for a “homemaker with little kids,” so I had to come up with my own.
You know those people who get paid thousands to lie in a bed for weeks as part of NASA studies? Well, a little soul-searching, a little Google-searching, and here it is: My Stay at Home Mom Opposite Job Comparison.
Top 10 Stay at Home Mom Skills
- Perform rapid, complex, and constant risk/reward analysis (toddler fun × your alone time ÷ likelihood toddler will fall off the table).
- Maintain a logical argument with a 3-year-old. Don’t lose your cool, don’t get confused… Don’t. Let. Her. Break. You.
- Use multiple limbs simultaneously (hands washing dishes, leg blocking the baby from the trash can, opposite foot tapping the toddler away from the cookies). Also, kiss an owie.
- Eat your meals while getting up to get someone… a sippy cup… more tuna… another strawberry… a dropped fork... a thrown strawberry…
- Be mentally ready to wear your messy bun with confidence. Like you did it on purpose instead of throwing it up there at 6:30 am and not touching it since.
- Have the physical and psychological characteristics of Duchess Kate, the perfectly poised mom in the killer outfit and the kind smile.
- Read a book on how to instill morals, common sense and basic good manners in small people determined to resist all your attempts.
- Have lightning-fast Googling thumbs: recipes, necessary ER trips, stopping sibling fights – FIND THE ANSWERS NOW.
- Shower while holding an infant, calming a toddler and reminding your 7-year-old to put on underwear.
- Complete entire day without sitting down.
Top 10 Bed Rest Study Participant Skills
- Lie with your head 6 degrees below your feet.
- Maintain a rich thought life in the midst of solitude.
- Use multiple limbs to perform normal exercises, proving your physical fitness before lying in bed for weeks.
- Eat your meals lying down.
- Be mentally ready to spend 70 days in bed.
- Have the physical and psychological characteristics of an astronaut.
- Take an interesting class to stave off boredom.
- Have lightning-fast videogame-playing thumbs, allowing you to effectively play all day despite your feet being raised slightly above your head.
- Shower lying down.
- Complete entire day without standing up.
Bottom 10 Stay at Home Mom Skills
- Sit still.
- Have an uninterrupted conversation with an adult.
- Stick to the daily routine 100%.
- Complete the days’ errands in an hour.
- Be a few minutes early for all appointments.
- Get uninterrupted sleep.
- Feel refreshed when you miraculously sleep 7 hours.
- Take an interesting class to stave off boredom (Google: “How to be Kate Middleton”).
- Hide from your children (closets, bathrooms, outdoor sheds).
- Worry about what other people think of you.
Bottom 10 Bed Rest Study Participant Skills
- Wish that you could spend less time in bed.
- Wonder why it’s so quiet. Be suspicious.
- Draw a fish, dog, cat, horse, fairy, excavator, firetruck, etc. - with accuracy and precision - on demand.
- Answer 3,000 questions from a 4-year-old.
- Plan dinner.
- Do laundry.
- Chase a kid through the grocery store while trying to look nonchalant.
- Ignore noises in the night, willing them to stop so you can go back to sleep.
- Calculate how much your sense of style has declined since you started this job.
- Wonder how to balance your identity as “the guy who lies in bed” with the rest of the “real you”.
Gushanas, Timothy. “Bed Rest FAQs”. NASA, 3 Aug. 2017 22 Sept. 2017 https://www.nasa.gov/analogs/envihab/bed-rest-faqs
“Flat-out working: NASA to pay 18 grand for 70-day sleep study.” RT.Com. Russian Telegraph. 19 Sept. 2003 21 Sept. 2017 https://www.rt.com/news/nasa-pay-bed-study-065/
Curtis, Sophie. “Space scientists are offering volunteers £13,700 to lie in bed for two months.” Mirror.Co.UK. Mirror. 5 Apr. 2017. 3 Sept. 2017 http://www.mirror.co.uk/science/space-scientists-offering-volunteers-13700-10164435
Photo by nomao saeki on Unsplash
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Sydney Dorr spends her days building "home base" with her husband Josiah and young sons Gideon and Caleb in the green-and grey of small-town Oregon, USA. She looks for ways to partner with what Jesus is doing in both her own community and around the world. Rainy hikes are her favourite, but she also loves walks to the park, tea and toast, and the rare opportunity to grocery shop alone.
This was hilarious to read 🙂 Also I would love the Bed Rest Study job!!
Oh my goodness!! Too good! I've done the bed rest part before Shobi ????. I think I'd take the stay at home mom job please.
You have a wonderful sense of humor Sydney! This is hilarious!
Haha this is the best. I have been rocking that messy bun for almost 3 years now. This was a delight to read, Sydney! 🙂