Many of my friends are at the stage of life where we either have ageing parents or have already lost them. Some have parents living with them, while others have parents living away from them. Most of us probably have our own families and responsibilities, and caring for our parents can be challenging, whether they live near or far away. You are often torn between your responsibilities to your family, your children, and your parents.
There is a common saying in Hindi: “Bachche budhe ek saman” (children and the elderly are the same). We often grow impatient and irritable with the elderly when they don’t listen to us, take our advice, or make what we consider unwise choices. But children do exactly the same. While we forgive the children, we are sometimes unable to extend the same grace to the elderly.
I've often heard people share how difficult their parents are being and how challenging it is to care for them when they refuse to visit the doctor or eat healthy. Those concerns are genuine because you want them to be well. But I always go back to that saying.
While children have many years ahead of them, the elderly have their days numbered, and we do not know how much longer they will be with us. So, make good memories. Listen to them, even when they are repeating their stories. Trust me, you will miss those repetitive stories and jokes. You will miss their seemingly unreasonable demands. You will miss their thoughtfulness and the way they cared about your life.
Celebrate their birthdays, even if they feel they are too old for it. Celebrate it for their sake. Take them out for dinner, even if they think it's a waste of your money. Humour them. Accept and appreciate them.
People often think that the elderly need to be cared for and made comfortable, as if their comfort is the most important thing for them. Sometimes, we assume that their need for comfort means they should come and live with us. The intention is usually loving. We want them close. We want to care for them. We don’t want them to be alone. But this also means taking them away from their community and comfort zone.
So, when deciding where our parents should live, we need to ask what they want too. From my experience, and from what I've heard from my parents and observed in their lives, their need to feel relevant and useful often outweighs their desire for comfort.
So, if they're trying to do something, please don't ask them to stop because you think it's too much trouble for them. They're just trying to be useful. Let your mother help in the house, and let your father fix that broken tap.
Living in Thailand, I have come to appreciate how children care for their parents. They dedicate their weekends to their parents. Grandparents get to spend time with their grandchildren. You can see families together at restaurants and in parks.
I often sit and remember the times when I was irritated with my mother, even during her sickness. When I was impatient with my father. When I ignored their requests. When I was less loving.
We often think that, as Christians, we don't treat our parents badly. But we'll be surprised at how impatient we can be with our parents, and perhaps even judgmental about their faith. If I had to do things differently, I would just let my mother enjoy nature, gardening, cooking, and watching her favourite series. I would trust God more for her and pray on her behalf rather than asking her to pray. I would not judge her for being generous towards a cause I didn't believe in.
I cannot turn back time. But if I could, I would do the things I'm mentioning in this post: listen to them, be patient with them, complain less, celebrate them and their lives, make memories with them, choose to spend time talking to them, and learn their recipes and skills rather than staying on my phone or watching a series on Netflix.
Because when they are gone, we don't spend our time wishing they had been less difficult. We remember their voice. Their laugh. Their favourite foods. Their little habits. The things they used to say. The way they cared for us. And we wish we could have just one more ordinary day with them.
So, if you still have your parents, don't wait for the perfect moment to love them well.
Beloved brothers and sisters in Christ, God commands us to honour our parents (Ephesians 6:2-3).
Regardless of what your relationship with them has been, if there is something that needs to be made right, make amends. Extend to them the love and grace that we have received in Christ.
While we still have the gift of their presence here, let us honour them, serve them, listen to them, and love them well.
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All too true. As I watch my mother’s memory fading and her inability to recall the immediate past, I love to get her talking about those days she can remember.
My father in his 80s still collects odd hardware for some repair that someone might have for him to do. His basement is overflowing with this kind of thing: symbols of his usefulness.