"Search me, God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts" Psalm 139:23.
This verse captured my edgy feelings over a very difficult and uncertain season in our lives. I had a hundred questions that didn’t seem to have answers, or at least the answers I was hoping for. I was constantly concerned about whether we had thought this through, whether we had planned enough, whether we had prepared for every possible outcome, and, secretly, whether I had worried enough.
And this self-doubting pattern played out on loop every time we had to make faith-based decisions. When we moved homes, when I gave up a job I loved, when we decided to homeschool, when we moved to a tiny little farm in the back of beyond, when we moved back to city life. Though these were prayerful decisions we made, there was always that nagging, niggling strand of worry that made its way into my heart.
I was not trying to play ‘God’, but when there were so many life-changing decisions, I was grasping for some sort of certainty and divine assurance. But the haze of uncertainty was a constant, common factor through all these changes.
Looking back at that season in our lives, I realise that the Lord was teaching me to trust Him, even when I didn’t know what was ahead or how it was all going to pan out.
One of my most difficult lessons was learning not to be self-reliant and seek quick fixes, but to take it to the Lord in prayer. And to invite Him to take control.
"Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you" (1 Peter 5:7) became my go to verse as I named my anxieties and laid it at before the Lord. I began realising that worrying never really solved the problem; it only magnified my fears and anxious thoughts.
The footnote at the bottom of my Bible says "Notice that Peter doesn't say to manage our anxiety or hide it. He tells us to cast it on God. Every anxious thought is another opportunity to say, 'Lord, this is Yours.'"
This was just such a timely reminder that God know that we will be anxious, but He invites us to bring it to Him.
I assumed my faith is resilient and deep-rooted. But there have been several times, fear has spoken louder than the small still voice of faith, and I have let that sway my decisions.
But Scripture constantly reminds us that God Himself tells us not to fear, that the reality of His presence is a constant comfort. Life may throw curveballs; we may not know what is around the corner or what the next day may bring, but we are called to trust in the one who says, "Fear not, I am with you" (Isaiah 41:10).
As I look back at some of the choices, I have made, I realise how often fear has shaped my decisions. Remorse and regret still gnaw at my heart for the times I let rationality and fear take the lead instead of trusting God enough to step aside, step in, or step up as He guided.
I've discovered that courage is not the absence of fear, but the wilful refusal to let fear have the upper hand. It is allowing faith to triumph over fear. It is to trust in the One who has promised that "his hand is not too short to save" (Isaiah 59:1).
Waiting has never been easy for me, and patience is not exactly my forte.
Clear plans, closed loops, and rapid responses help me feel composed and in control. But the good Lord in His wisdom has stretched my faith and patience far beyond what I can imagine.
In hindsight, those long periods of waiting have deepened my dependence on the Lord and strengthened my faith like nothing else ever has. More often than not, God's timing rarely coincides with my expectations, but His perfect timing has always proved to be better than anything I could have worked out for myself.
After all, He makes all things beautiful in its time (Ecclesiastes 3:11).
Even though I grapple with the things I cannot control and with a faith that calls me out of my comfort zone, I am grateful for the lessons I have learned. And even more grateful for what I am learning not to do.
Photo by Priscilla Du Preez 🇨🇦 on Unsplash
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Thank you for your succinct confession and challenge. Often as not we are free to choose between options but we’d like to know God will not try to “teach” us something uncomfortable in the process. “God, please show me the option that will be boringly pleasant.” We know there are things we need to learn but we’d rather not.
Recently after a time of retreat and prayer I was left with the same message. A place to let go of fear and fully, completely trust God with a joyful and hopeful heart.
Thank you Anna for your words.