Anyone who knows me will tell you that I avoid conflict like a five-year-old crouching in a corner during a game of hide-and-seek.
I find confrontations exhausting. Friction drains me faster than a Slurpee disappearing on a hot day. I would rather feign agreement than present a point of view that may step on someone’s toes.
Yet, a while ago, I found myself profusely disagreeing about new structures in a Christian organisation I’m a part of. They weren’t “bad” or “unbiblical” systems. They were simply vastly different from what I was comfortable with. From my vantage point, I didn’t see how they could possibly work. As roles were being reconfigured, I feared that some people would be left behind.
Wasn’t this organisation running just fine? Why did we have to try something new? Why mess with a good thing? Uuughh…
The more I dwelt on the changes being introduced, the more agitated I became. Imaginary conversations (where I inevitably “won” the argument) filled my thoughts. Text messages long enough to be mini-novels bounced back and forth. Prayers that pleaded my own case peppered my day.
My point of view became an indisputable fact. I was convinced that I knew best.
But as a follower of Christ, I realized that the Word—and not my feelings—needed to shape my thoughts and words. In spending time with God, I was convicted that my heart attitude needed to change.
Was the conflict solely my fault? Nope. The tension came from two points of view, not one—and neither was “bad.” I didn’t need to back down completely. But I did need to navigate the situation so that, even amid the disagreement, God would be glorified.
Here are some practical lessons I’ve been learning:
Would communicating via Zoom be easier? For sure! Would text messages be most convenient? Absolutely. But there’s something about solving disputes in person: a sense of amicability fills the room. Issues feel less black-and-white and more nuanced.
WhatsApp is easy—but if often turns people into caricatures and opinions into hostile takeovers. God designed us to do life—including problem solving—in community.
Recently, I watched a reel of a guy asking college kids in the US about top Christian buzzwords. It included overused phrases like “I’m in a season” or “do life together.” If you’ve been at church a while, you’re probably overly familiar with Christianese. But as we navigate conflict as Christians, let’s not resort to over-spiritual lingo.
We don’t need to couch our words in impressive-sounding yet empty words. Our model is Jesus. He didn’t mince words. Neither did He waffle. He spoke the truth in love. We owe each other that level of respect.
In the heat of the moment, when words collide and tempers flare, it’s easy to lay down ultimatums. It’s less stressful to walk away. But I would encourage us to press pause. God wove the rhythm of rest into days. We don’t have to be “always on.”
I’ve discovered that when I step back, breathe deeply, and allow God the space to tend to my heart, I am more likely to truly listen and be gentle in my responses. Through the book of Proverbs, God reminds us that "An angry person stirs up conflict, and a hot-tempered person commits many sins" (Prov. 29:22). Asking for more time is a simple way to simmer down and diffuse tensions.
One lesson I'm still learning is not to confuse disagreement with bad motives.
When we're hurt or frustrated, it's easy to assume people are acting out of pride, selfishness, or a desire for control. Sometimes that's true. Often it isn't.
May we extend the same grace that Jesus shows us by choosing to believe the best in others (yes, even those who hold opposing points of view).
Persist in Prayer
Many of our deepest disagreements happen with fellow believers. But God deeply desires unity within His family, and He often begins by changing our own hearts. As we pray, He shifts our perspective. He teaches us to die to ourselves. He heals wounds we didn't realise we had been carrying. Slowly, our focus moves away from proving ourselves right and toward becoming more like Christ.
Do I still want to avoid conflict like the plague? Unfortunately, yes. I’m a work in progress. But even through my failures, I’m learning to take fragile steps forward. Conflicts are an inevitable part of life—but I am learning to invite God into them. And I am asking Him to transform me even through the very things I want to avoid.
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