My husband and I got married in our mid-twenties and had three sons before our first anniversary. So most of our acclimatisation as a couple happened in the thick of parenting medically fragile triplets. Needless to say, it was a rollercoaster ride - one that took several years to stabilise.
As I look back over the past two decades, I recognise the wrong beliefs I’d held on to that were quietly damaging our relationship. We’ve had our share of ups and downs, but thankfully, God has been our rock all these years. He constantly drew us back to Him and to each other when we were unintentionally drifting apart.
If I could go back and prepare my 24-year-old self for marriage, I’d have so much to tell her. But these are also lessons I’m relearning as I battle selfishness and continue to work on my marriage.
I entered marriage thinking it would be a 50-50 partnership. I would cook, he would clean. I’d do the laundry, and he’d run errands. I learnt the hard way that marriage is not a 50% partnership, but each partner giving 100% and more as required!
In seasons when my husband works longer hours or travels, I manage the home and kids. When I have to leave town unexpectedly, he handles everything at home alongside his work.
Whenever the kids fell sick, both of us had to give them all we had and more, relying on God’s grace and strength to make it through each day. We lived to tell the story, and now know how much it takes to make a marriage work.
My husband and I came into marriage expecting a lot from each other - mostly because of the different traditions we’d grown up in. Unmet expectations bred discontentment in our relationship and caused us to harbour resentment. Over the years, we’ve had honest conversations that helped us let go of many of those expectations.
When my husband realised that cooking was not my forte, he pitched in until we could hire a cook. And I stopped expecting him to return home early because I understood his commitments at church and responsibilities at work.
We let go of many expectations as we matured, realising that what we once thought was ideal may have been a bit overrated.
This is a biggie! I come from a broken family, and my husband lived away from his family for years. We each brought in preconceived notions about marriage and family, and a whole lot of emotional baggage we'd been unconsciously lugging around for decades!
It took us several years to understand each other’s perspective, uncover why we insisted on doing things a particular way, work through our differences, and discover what works best for our family.
There were seasons when our days were crammed full. With three little children and demanding schedules, we hardly had time to talk during the week. We soon learnt that we needed intentional rhythms to stay connected - even if it meant stepping out for a quick chai or grabbing a snack while running errands.
We cherish those rare weekend mornings when we sit together and read the Bible side by side. The more we intentionally spend time together, the better we communicate and understand each other. Physical proximity keeps us from drifting apart emotionally and makes for a stronger marriage.
In the end, we’re two imperfect people learning to offer and receive grace every day. Marriage has a way of revealing the hidden places in our hearts where we need God the most. It sanctifies us and keeps us completely reliant on the Lord to be the rock-solid foundation of our relationship. He brought us together, and we trust Him to give us the wisdom and grace to sustain us for a lifetime.
Photo by Hannah Busing on Unsplash
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Thank you for your honesty, Sheena! I was deeply encouraged by your writing. <3