I'm not sure if it was perimenopause that was causing the brain fog or just a lack of exercise. But I'd been going through a slump—mentally, physically, and spiritually. The days felt endless, the work—parenting, marriage, church, art—interminable, with no light at the end of the tunnel.
In seasons like these, all you want to do is keep your head down and get on with the job at hand. Stay unnoticed, and keep a low profile. That's when life has a habit of handing you several lemons all at once!
As I attempted to juggle those afore-mentioned lemons, I kept carping and complaining about why I had to deal with so much, unable to understand how this was bringing any good, and growing increasingly angry and frustrated with God.
Because deep down, beneath the layers of anger and apathy, my gripe was with God.
I had been praying for two specific people in my life to experience a breakthrough in their struggles, and after years without seeing any change, I was beginning to doubt God, whether He was truly all-powerful. If He had done miracles in the past, why didn't He do it again for me to see? Whether faith was real. Whether He could really answer prayer. Whether He could do the impossible. Whether it even mattered.
I had allowed so many insidious thoughts to take root in my heart that I felt like my faith was being choked slowly. All the trust eaten away; only the tired refrain, plaintively repeating, "What's the point?"
It was in that state that I came to the story of Gideon in the book of Judges. And for the first time, I noticed nuances I had never seen before.
First of all, I appreciated the fact that Gideon was hiding, threshing wheat, and basically keeping a low profile and getting on with the job at hand, probably in a sullen, surly frame of mind, bemoaning his lot in life. Suddenly, Gideon seemed to be my kindred spirit! I got him. He made sense to me. Even more so when I read Judges 6:13,
And Gideon said to Him, "Please, my lord, if the Lord is with us, why then has all this happened to us? And where are all His wonderful deeds that our fathers recounted to us, saying, ‘Did not the Lord bring us up from Egypt?’ But now the Lord has forsaken us and given us into the hand of Midian.”’
"...if the Lord is with us...where are all His wonderful deeds..."
Sometimes, when you've prayed for a miracle, for a breakthrough in a situation that only God can work out, and you've waited years for God to fulfill a promise He made; where your prayer is not a selfish prayer but a genuine desire according to the will of God, and all you see is the opposite of your prayer being answered, you can echo Gideon's cry.
I had reached a similar stage, for behind my slump lay a trail of unanswered prayers. I was hoping Gideon got a response to his query that echoed mine, but God didn't say anything. Rather, He challenged him back. Which I thought was rather a mean trick until I dug a little more and realised something. The Lord appreciated Gideon's anger at the injustice. In fact, He encouraged him to go and actually do something about it... to fight, if you will.
And the Lord turned to him and said, “Go in this might of yours and save Israel from the hand of Midian; do not I send you?” Judges 6:14
That got me thinking. That request I was praying about and invested in still provoked me after all these years. It was close to my heart. If anyone was rooting for it, it was me. And here was the Lord effectively saying, "Ok, this irks you? Go on then. Stop whining and start fighting."
Sometimes I have these mental conversations with the Lord, and I love it when He says it as it is—no pretty words. Just some truth bombs. Cause the truth was I was whining. I wanted the victory without getting my hands dirty. I was standing on the sidelines, waiting for my answered prayer, crying at the "delay," railing at God for not moving things along faster.
I wondered what Gideon’s response to God's challenge was. Unsurprisingly, he wasn't too excited.
And he said to him, “Please, Lord, how can I save Israel? Behold, my clan is the weakest in Manasseh, and I am the least in my father’s house.” Judges 6:15
Listing out all the cons. Very practical. I felt for Gideon. Suddenly being put on the spot like that. It is easier to grumble on the side, blame the system and God for all that isn't working. But actually having to do something about it personally? Eh, not such a great idea. I was beginning to have similar thoughts—but before I could even begin to list out the reasons for not fighting, I read the next verse.
And the Lord said to him, “But I will be with you, and you shall strike the Midianites as one man.” Judges 6:16
But I will be with you...
A simple phrase that was like a punch to the gut. I sometimes wonder at the tone of voice the Lord might have used while speaking these words. In this instance, I think it was a mixture—plaintively gentle, almost like coaxing a beloved child, but also reiterating something that is evidently obvious.
But I will be with you, Gideon... So go fight.
Gideon's response was to ask for a sign. And another and another. I love the fact that the Lord did not chastise Gideon for asking for the signs. Rather, He gave him confirmation after confirmation. Finally, Gideon took Him seriously and mustered an army. He probably thought that if he had to fight, he might as well ensure he couldn't lose. So he gathered as many people as possible.
Yet, here again, the Lord intervened and made him downsize his army. Gideon and the original 300 were the only ones left. Probably the most ridiculous odds in history. And I wondered again why the Lord did that. After all, He was the one who told Gideon to fight. So when he stepped forward in obedience, why strip away his advantage?
The obvious answer is that the Lord wanted Gideon to fight but be dependent on Him for the victory. He didn't want him to become self-reliant at any point, thinking he could win in his own strength. But I think there was something deeper than that.
I love how intricate God’s ways are. He was not only working to deliver the Israelites from oppression, but also leading Gideon to personally experience the very power he thought was no longer at work. And to do that, He brought Gideon into the fight—with the odds deliberately stacked against him.
Because sometimes, the only way to witness the miraculous power of God is to step into the miracle itself.
Gideon was probably confused by now, but still stumbling along. But before he even asks, the Lord preemptively gives him another sign.
I love the turn for the dramatic. It was like the Lord saying, "You asked about the 'wonderful deeds'? Here's one for the history books!"
What ensued was a battle marked with rousing trumpets, shattered pottery, and absolute mayhem!
And it makes me wonder—what if Gideon had refused to fight? What a mighty deed of the Lord he would have missed telling his children!
As I hear the Lord issue a similar challenge to me, I'm reminded of Deborah's song in Judges 5:21, "March on, my soul, with might."
I'm not sitting this one out, Lord. Let's do this!
Photo by svklimkin on Unsplash
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