"Can Christians date/marry non-believers?"
This might be the question I have encountered most often while walking beside my husband as he engages in pastoral ministry. It is a question that must be engaged with compassion and an understanding of the variety of circumstances that have made it painful. Because the question is difficult, we need God's Word all the more.
As we look to His Word for wisdom, we see both the clarity of His command and (as with all His commands) the good purposes in His law for his children.
God’s Word commands believers to marry within the faith. The passage most often evoked towards this and most helpful to consider is from 2 Corinthians 6. Paul is writing to the church at Corinth and issues the following command:
“Do not be unequally yoked with unbelievers. For what partnership has righteousness with lawlessness? Or what fellowship has light with darkness? What accord has Christ with Belial? What agreement has the temple of God with idols? For we are the temple of the living God.” (2 Corinthians 6:14-16a).
The starkness of comparisons drawn in this admonition is striking. He speaks of joining various items together that cannot function compatibly due to the greatness of their differences—their very properties make union impossible. To the same degree that it is illogical for a believer in Christ to worship the living God while worshiping an idol, those in Christ are not to worship Him while yoking themselves with an unbeliever.
We must consider the word “yoke” and its implications, as well as what it does not suggest. Paul is not speaking of general relationships with non-believers or our posture toward those currently outside the community of faith.
Every non-believer we meet is a precious image bearer of God. We cannot be an ambassador of Christ (2 Cor 5:20) or a good neighbour (Luke 10:25-37) outside of relationship with non-believers. A helpful commentary from the Gospel Transformation Bible notes the following concerning this passage:
“The image of being unequally yoked draws to mind two animals unsuited to work together. A large ox and a small mule are not meant to plow side by side; they will consistently be moving in opposing directions. Similarly, believers and unbelievers have different operating principles and aims. This does not mean that we are to have no relationships with unbelievers, but we are not to be in partnerships that allow principles or practices contrary to Christ to control us.” (ESV Gospel Transformation Bible, on 2 Corinthians 6:14-7:1)
If there is any relationship meant to function as a partnership, marriage is that relationship. There is no earthly relationship more binding. Thus, marriage between a believer and an unbeliever is the greatest example of being “unequally yoked.”
We may ask—What's the big deal here? Isn’t it unkind or unreasonable to rule out every nonbeliever as a marriage candidate? What if I’ve met a guy who is a lot “better” than many of the Christian guys I’ve been around?
Given all our questions, it is enough for Christians to know that the Bible commands our obedience in this area. And yet, God’s Word also graciously displays the purpose for being equally yoked in marriage. To pursue joy in following this command, we must grow in a proper understanding of our union with Christ.
When we come to faith in Christ through the work of the Holy Spirit, a spiritual reality is at work. We only experience salvation because we have been united with Christ. Every aspect of our life as a believer is defined as being “in Christ.”
From the moment Jesus calls us to himself through all eternity, where we enjoy the glory of God through Him, it all happens only in union with Christ, who lived and died and rose again for us to share in the same. And, we are not only united to Christ but to every other blood-bought believer in Him. There is no union more significant than the one that Christ brings. Thus, it is impossible that our marriages would not include a union with one who is also united to Christ.
Marriage serves as a symbol of the union between Christ and His church. Ephesians 5 urges husbands to love their wives as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her. Paul also commands women to submit to their own husbands, as the church submits to Christ. This is a “great mystery” and Paul explicitly claims that he speaks “concerning Christ and the church.” (Ephesians 5: 25-33)
God, in His infinite wisdom, has ordained marriage to serve as an earthly representation of Christ and His bride, those He has ransomed for Himself by his blood. As we have become one with Christ, marriage also displays a new oneness. Two individuals have joined together to such an extent that Paul can say, “Husbands should love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself.” (Ephesians 5: 28).
For a Christian, the purpose of such an intimate union is to be pushed nearer to Christ by one’s spouse, and vice versa. If our closest earthly partnership does not involve unity in Him, how can we expect to be moved towards our Saviour?
Due to the vulnerability of our hearts to sin, it is not only integral not to marry but also not to date outside of the Lord.
First, if the purpose for a believer in dating is less than finding a partner for marriage, another issue is revealed, as dating is never without purpose for a follower of Christ. This doesn’t mean every Christian we date is our future spouse, but every person a believer dates is to be someone they could potentially see themselves marrying.
In a believer’s dating life, we also must realise that our hearts are “deceitful above all things, and desperately wicked” (Jeremiah 17:9). We are made to desire love and affection. Yet, this good desire that the Lord has given us is often corrupted by our sin, and we desire it in ways that are not for our good or His glory.
Let’s consider a possible situation: You are a follower of Jesus who desires a godly spouse. You eventually meet a guy at work who treats you very kindly. He is respectable, hardworking, and servant-hearted. And yet, he doesn’t trust in Christ. He might have “respect for Jesus,” but he doesn’t believe Jesus is the only way to God. Yet, he is very respectful in your conversations about this topic. You have never met a guy like this! You hope this man will eventually come to Christ. He continues to resist Jesus, but your affections for one another grow.
Why would God put this man in your life and give you such feelings if not for them to be fulfilled? What you first saw as a huge gap, his not sharing your love for Christ, now appears a small hiccup to be eventually sorted. So, you give this man your heart, believing your heart can also remain fully devoted to Christ.
It quickly becomes evident that the heart does not work this way. Devotion to your husband and devotion to Jesus seem to be taking very different courses. The man with whom you have united yourself unto death cannot understand the very fabric of your soul. As you have children, you desire to raise them according to the knowledge of the Lord, a desire your husband is at best accommodating of, at worst indifferent or even antagonistic toward. Slowly, you might even begin to make compromises that draw your own heart farther from Christ. This is just one example of how quickly a relationship goes from dating a nonbeliever to marrying a nonbeliever to potentially even turning our hearts from full devotion to Jesus.
Ironically, the fear of loneliness that can lead to marrying a non-believer could actually lead to greater loneliness. It is very lonely to have married one who cannot understand the defining aspect of your life: Christ. Even a marriage between two followers of Christ involves great intentionality to keep Christ at the centre. When we marry an unbeliever, we are intentionally pushing Christ out of our marriage, despite the best of intentions.
Maybe you became a believer after marriage, but your spouse has yet to come to faith, a reality that daily pains you. Is there hope? Thankfully, in Christ, the answer is always yes! Paul addresses such situations in 1 Corinthians 7. The context of this passage involves Paul admonishing Christians to live in the context in which they were called to faith.
The believing spouse is called to remain and to serve/pray for their spouse. In God’s providence, the believing spouse exudes a gospel influence on the unbelieving spouse that they would otherwise not experience. Christians with an unbelieving spouse, pray earnestly for God to save your husband or wife, and know that He has not forgotten you.
For those believers who have knowingly married a non-believer and realise the error of this past event, even for those now convicted in this area, the answer is not despair. Look to Jesus in repentance. See the Saviour who has died for that sin among many others, and trust in Him for forgiveness. Commit to praying for your spouse to know Christ.
But for those not yet married, the Lord’s mercy is not something to be presumed upon. Let us not be tempted to make a sinful decision with the backup plan of repenting later. Believers in Christ, united to him and dead to sin, for the sake of the gospel, marry a believer.
Photo by Sandy Millar on Unsplash
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Well said - succinctly covering the bases.
I wonder what this passage about unequally yoked has to say about forming business partnerships with non-believers?