A few years ago, I sat through a board meeting fraught with tension and conflict. As was the tradition, we closed the meeting by going around the room and appreciating the person on our right. I cannot remember a single word from that difficult meeting, but I can still clearly recall the beautiful words of sincere encouragement spoken to me by the person seated to my left.
Alternatively, isn’t it amazing how words that sting can remain crystal clear in our minds for years? A careless word from a bully on the school playground can easily be recalled more than four decades later!
Scripture tells us that words have the power of life and death (Proverbs 18:21). Words of encouragement, appreciation, or affirmation have the power to bring peace, healing, and hope. Hurtful and destructive words have the power to cause deep pain and lasting wounds. Our memory is very powerful at remembering the many positive and negative words spoken to us, though, unfortunately, the painful words seem to remain longer and louder.
Research reveals that we speak an average of 16,000 words a day. That’s a lot! So, what does it look like for our words to bring life? There is much practical wisdom in Scripture about the use of words and our tongue, but one verse that sums them all up for me is Ephesians 4:29:
"Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen."
Let’s unpack this a little:
Unwholesome talk: I grew up in a culture that specialises in sarcasm—using the power of words to put others down jokingly. There is nothing wholesome about sarcasm! How easily we can use words that cause damage or hurt, that contain a morsel of gossip, contempt, or cynicism. I am sure you can add to this list. David understood the power of unwholesome words when he wisely prayed, “Set a guard, O Lord, over my mouth; keep watch over the door of my lips!” (Psalm 141:3.) Paul tells us not to let this kind of talk be part of our 16,000 daily words.
Helpful for building others up: Imagine if all the words we speak in a day only help people and build others up. Imagine if our words leave others feeling seen, heard, and valued. When my time on earth is done, I will be delighted if the words “She built others up” are written on my gravestone. I have a long way to go before that could be true, but it is something I aspire to.
According to their needs: In order to know someone’s needs, it is essential to listen deeply. Yet sadly, in this age of distraction, most of us are not good at listening! If we seek to speak words that help build others up, we need to give time, space, and a listening ear to hear what the person in front of us truly needs. Using discerning words that are a balm to the person’s present need comes from a posture of deep listening, both to the person and to the voice of the Holy Spirit.
Benefit those who listen: Interestingly, it is not my perceived “pearls of wisdom” that I find benefit people, but rather words that remind people about the truth of how God sees them, where their security and value come from, and who they are in Christ. Sometimes we need others to remind us of what we know to be true. In Proverbs, we are told, “Like apples of gold in settings of silver, is a word spoken at the proper time.” (Proverbs 25:11). Like most of us women, I have loads of words I can share, but with God’s help, I am learning to use fewer words that are hopefully timelier and more beneficial.
We also need to remind ourselves that words are a window into the heart. Jesus teaches us that at the root of all our words is our heart posture (Luke 6:45). As a professional coach, I am trained to take notice of the words that people use, to help others consider and unpack the meaning behind their words and phrases. Being curious about our words, especially those “unwholesome words,” gives us important clues and provides an opportunity to examine what’s truly going on in our hearts prayerfully.
Words of life are a pathway to deep connection. Words allow others to be seen and heard. I think a lot about my words and the words others use. Let me share with you three practical phrases I find helpful to encourage and build others up:
You are always so…. (positive label). You are always so thoughtful or supportive, resilient or fun… the list goes on! When talking with people, we can use this simple phrase to share the positive things we see in them. For me, this requires intentionality, as my cultural upbringing trains us to keep those thoughts to ourselves! This is a simple way to build others up by speaking words of encouragement and affirmation.
Last time we talked, you mentioned… By remembering and recalling something that was happening in the person’s world the last time you connected, you are communicating love and encouragement. You are showing that you care enough to remember and follow up. You communicate that you value the other person.
What’s happening with you? This is a great question that shows interest and care, yet it allows the person to choose whether to talk about events or emotions. It gives freedom to go deep or stay in the safe shallows. Genuine, open questions of interest are a way to build others up. They allow people to be seen and heard. They provide an opportunity for deeper connection.
In conclusion, as our hearts become more transformed into the image of Christ, the practical outworking will be words that build up, help, and benefit others. Imagine the impact of these words in a world in desperate need of words that bring life! As God’s children, we have the words of life! We have the message of hope!
Photo by Oleg Laptev on Unsplash
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