In a fairytale, the prince finds the princess, and they get married and live happily ever after. In movies, the hero finds the heroine, and they build a life of love and happiness. But in India, when you get married, you are not just two individuals coming together, but two families coming together.
While the Bible is very clear that two shall become one (Gen 2:24; Eph 5:31) and the husband and wife need to “leave and cleave” to each other, the extended families continue to remain an important part of our lives. Celebrating birthdays, anniversaries, or Christmases together is a common feature for many Christian families. An annual visit to the parents’ home or family holidays is also a real treat, especially for those who live far from their parents. For some, living with parents continues even after marriage or might become a part of a couple's life later, to care for ageing parents. Couples even seek parental support, especially to raise young children, despite the modern nuclear family structure. Opinions of family matter on important issues, despite the different roofs we live under. In this light, how can an Indian Christian best love their in-laws?
The stereotypes about in-laws are heavy in India. “The mean mother-in-law,” “the nosy sister-in-law,” “the patriarchal father-in-law,” and so on. While stereotypes do arise from noticeable behaviours that might be common in certain groups, they definitely colour our expectations. Since the stereotype is already operating in the background, any behaviour that seems to affirm it quickly strengthens the stereotype. So, if your mother-in-law says something slightly unkind, it seems harsher because we expect that from the mother-in-law stereotype. Instead of treating it as a one-off comment, we can accumulate it to brand the person quickly.
For me, this realisation hit close when my own mother came to live with us during the pandemic. Many a time we would end up with a difference of opinion. Even though she raised me, after seven years of marriage, my habits had become so different. One day, I laughed and told her that many things she said were the same things my mother-in-law said. It just didn’t bother me so much because it had no stereotype attached, and my ears were more accustomed to her voice than my mother-in-law's! Through that experience, God softened my heart toward the differences of opinion I had with my mother-in-law, thereafter.
Romans 3:23 is a good reminder when we set our expectations in relationships. Just like you sin and (continue to) fall short of God’s glory, so do your in-laws. It helps to remember that our in-laws, like all people, carry the weight of their own history into relationships. Their experiences, expectations, and opinions were shaped long before we entered their family. Their words and actions often arise from these layers, and not necessarily (and not always) as a direct response to us. Hence, a sharp word might be born out of their own disappointments or fears. A strong opinion might spring from the values they were raised with or the anxieties they quietly carry.
Something shifts when we begin to see their words as echoes of their own journey rather than personal accusations. It becomes easier to listen without viewing every remark as a personal attack. Detachment here does not mean indifference, but a gentle separation—the ability to recognise— “this belongs to them, not to me.” This kind of perspective allows us to build a relationship with them without being wounded by every passing comment. It creates space for compassion for their story, and prudence for ourselves. And the good news is that, for both, there is grace and justification through the redemption that came from Jesus Christ (Romans 3:24).
I spent a few years early in my marriage trying to make sure my chapatis were round and getting to cooking a decent sambar (and even pronouncing it correctly, Malayalees can be particular that way)! Any gesture unmet with appreciation led to disappointment in my hungry soul. While sharing this with my husband one day, God helped me realise I was looking for validation when I didn’t need to. His words were true, but fell on the ears of an insecure woman. I didn’t know how to serve at all. In fact, I was only trying to do things to impress and receive praise. God has opened my eyes over the years and taught me to serve without losing my mind or looking for appreciation and approval. The verses in Philippians 2:3-4 have been an encouragement in this attempt.
“Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit. Rather, in humility value others above yourselves, not looking to your own interests but each of you to the interests of the others. In your relationships with one another, have the same mindset as Christ Jesus:”
Many of us walk into marriage hoping to impress and gain approval from our spouses and their parents. While this may not be a sinful ambition, it can quickly turn into an obsession and create much turmoil and anguish. It is an important reminder that our act of service reflects Christ’s example. Furthermore, our reward, approval, and security must be sought in the Lord and not in human relationships alone.
Most Indian couples never drop off the radar with their parents and often maintain close contact. We do various things to connect—making regular calls, sending gifts, paying the bills, and caring for our ageing parents. One can quickly learn to show care and do good works without love in our hearts. If we lean in, God is ever so ready to show us that while we shoulder parental responsibilities, there is plenty of room in our hearts for more love. 1 Corinthians 13:4-7 is a common passage read at weddings, but is equally applicable to our love toward our in-laws. Quick forgiveness and not keeping a list of wrongs is a great remedy for hurt that can accumulate due to friction in the relationship. While loving may not erase hurt, God can fill our hearts with the mercy and compassion required to show Christ-like love.
Christian marriage calls a man and a woman to fuse into one unit. This bond of oneness must be guarded with tenderness and priority, but is not to be lived in isolation. In fact, it expresses its strength and glory in expressing the love of Christ. In India, in-laws (parents) remain close and significant threads in the fabric of our lives. To love them with grace, to honour them with kindness, and to walk with them in patience enables the boundaries of marriage to breathe out the love of God. In this way, the family becomes a place where God’s care is tangible and real, and the marriage remains sacred.
Photo by Ryan 'O' Niel on Unsplash
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Wow! You’ve written such powerful truth with such ease. I felt so convicted!
Beautiful writing! ❤️
Thanks Sabrina!