“Do you want to keep perpetuating your sadness?” my therapist asked. Her bluntness was amusing, and her accuracy sobering. She hasn’t always been so direct, but at that moment, she pointed me to the truth I needed to hear. I have one last session remaining—but not just one problem. However, just as I learned to perpetuate sadness, I now know how to cultivate joy. My mind has a new foundation: one based on the unchanging Word of God and grounded in rationality.
The book of James shows us just how important our thinking is:
“Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything.” (James 1:2-4).
In the 1950s, psychologist Albert Ellis introduced a philosophy of life now known as Rational Emotive Behavior Therapy (REBT). He proposed that we are not disturbed by events themselves but by what we think about events; we can also learn to un-disturb ourselves by changing our thinking. This aligns with Scripture, which teaches that our thoughts, not external circumstances, shape our emotions and responses; "for as he thinks in his heart, so is he" (Prov. 23:7). A trial itself cannot make us feel anything; instead, it is our thinking that determines how we react.
We often say things like, “You’re making me so angry,” without realising that we are the ones generating the anger. The event itself just is. For instance, being kept on hold is simply that—being kept on hold. One person may think, 'This is unacceptable! I shouldn’t have to wait! I can’t stand this,’ meanwhile, her blood pressure rises, and she yells at the other person on the other end at the first opportunity. Another person may think, 'This is inconvenient, but I’ll put my phone on speaker and use this time to delete pictures.' When the call resumes, they resolve the matter and get on with the day. The situation remains the same—only their thinking makes the difference.
When we insist that things must go our way, we make ourselves miserable. Many of us carry unspoken demands—expecting ourselves, others, circumstances, or even life itself to follow our rules. We tell ourselves, "I should never face trials," or "Life should always be fair." But God does not promise a life free of hardship. He calls us to trust Him through the trials, knowing He is always with us.
These 'shoulds' aren’t limited to significant life events. We upset ourselves daily by demanding that things go as we expect. Consider how often we think things like:
- “People should drive properly and not cut me off.”
- "My internet should always work.”
- “My boss should appreciate my hard work.”
- “My kids should listen the first time I speak.”
- “It should not rain now!”
- “He should not have said that.”
- “I should not make mistakes.”
None of these expectations are inherently wrong, but when we demand that they happen, instead of letting them remain as preferences, we set ourselves up for a myriad of unhelpful negative emotions instead of helpful negative emotions (anxiety instead of concern, anger instead of annoyance, depression instead of sadness and so on). We don’t just stop there. At times, we upset ourselves over being upset. “I must not be anxious! I’m not trusting God! This is horrible!” Now, instead of being able to deal with the initial anxiety, we’ve added a new layer of anxiety! Rather than insisting, "This should not happen," we can choose to have preferences, desires, or wants. This shift in thinking reduces unnecessary stress and aligns us with God’s call to trust Him in all circumstances.
Horatio Spafford, the author of It Is Well With My Soul, penned this hymn while passing the very part of the ocean where his children had drowned. Despite unimaginable grief, he was able to say, "It is well with my soul." Though he would have preferred to have his children with him, he did not demand that God should not have taken them. He knew that even in loss, the worst thing that could ever happen was not death—but separation from God.
When peace like a river attendeth my way,
When sorrows like sea billows roll,
Whatever my lot, Thou hast taught me to say,
It is well, it is well with my soul.
With the Apostle Paul, he could say:
“For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.” (Romans 8:38-39).
Though Satan should buffet, though trials should come,
Let this blest assurance control,
That Christ hath regarded my helpless estate
And hath shed His own blood for my soul.
When my younger sister gave birth to a stillborn baby, we were very sad, but we were not devastated. God does not ask us to ignore the sadness of life. Rather, He shows us that nothing truly awful can happen to us when we are in Christ.
As James tells us, perseverance in trials leads to maturity. It brings us to the place where we can say we lack nothing—not because life is easy, but because we have experienced the sufficiency of Jesus.
And, Lord, haste the day,
When my faith shall be sight,
The clouds be rolled back as a scroll,
The trump shall resound,
And the Lord shall descend,
Even so—it is well with my soul.
Dear reader, I pray that no matter what you are going through, you too will learn to say, "It is well with my soul." Yes, we feel concerned, we feel sad, we feel annoyed, we know what it is like to feel regret and remorse, but through it all, it is well with our soul!
I hope you put in the work to train your mind. You are not alone—you have God the Holy Spirit, the Bible, God’s overflowing grace, your local church, and even therapists to help you. You are an image-bearer of God. He created you as a rational being, able to think, and as a volitional being, able to choose. As a redeemed child of God, choose carefully what you think about (2 Corinthians 10:5).
Here’s a link to the hymn “It Is Well with My Soul”
Photo by Uday Mittal on Unsplash
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