I still cannot look at his pictures. I see it through the corner of my eye every day and I take it in my hands to dust the frame every other week, but I still haven’t been able to just stop and look straight at it. To look at the eyes and remember, is not something I have the courage to do; not yet.
When the world celebrates yet another Father’s day, there are a few of us wishing to have one last chat, one last kiss, one last hug, and in my case, just the chance to at least say good-bye. Some of us will never be able to make new memories, take new pictures or introduce our children to their grandfather. It is the kind of loss, I believe, that will never make sense. It’s been two years since I wrote the post Father’s Day - A Eulogy, a month after my dad's passing. They said time will heal.
Everywhere I look, I see death and loss. Uncensored pictures of tragedies from around the world fills up my screen every single morning without fail. Every time a friend or a loved one talks about a recent loss, I think of my dad. Every tragedy is not about me but every time it brings to mind the greatest tragedy of my heart.
It is so difficult to believe something good can happen out of something so horrible, so tragic, so heart-breaking. As weird as it sounds, there are days I think of my dad and go, “He can never die again. Ever.“ That is a liberating thought. To know that someone you love so much can never ever die (again). It is even more exhilarating to know that my dad will live again. HE ACTUALLY WILL LIVE AGAIN! I imagine it is difficult to grasp the weight of that thought unless you have lost someone close to you. I have never experienced hope like how I have experienced it since my dad’s passing. I need to hold on to it tight as it is all I have left. I don’t need any more reasons to believe in the power of the One who rose from the dead than this.
The cross was real and the power of resurrection even more. That keeps me going. To know that my Jesus will one day bring my dad back from the dead . To know that I will see my dad face to face. To know that one day we will worship our risen saviour together. Until that day, I have a heavenly father who promised me that he is
“A father to the fatherless, a defender of widows...” Psalm 68:5
I hold on to that hope and my hope-giver.