It's been almost two months since we moved cities. This would make it my seventh city in about 32 odd years. Living in so many different places has taught me to put down my roots quickly and settle into the business of living as soon as possible. I've learnt to make friends and build relationships that last even after I've moved on to a new city.
I thought I had the process down pat. Yet this latest move seems to have upset the balance in some way. It's taking me longer to settle in. I find myself missing my previous home to the extent that I'm dreaming about it from time to time. It's taking longer to find my bearings. Homesickness is a strange word for me since I always enjoyed moving to a new place. When I remembered friends I'd left behind, it was always with a fondness, but never a deep sense of loneliness. Every place I lived in became my hometown. I enjoyed my time there and when time came for me to move, I did so joyously, knowing that the next place would be my new hometown! So this strange sense of uncertainty, of being cast adrift, rudderless and alone, is quite a new experience for me.
As I attempt to come to terms with this, I've also realised that I have a strong tendency to depend on myself when life enters “normal” mode. There isn't a catastrophe occurring in my personal life nor is there a trial I am facing, so life is nice and normal, albeit slightly boring. And since everything is sailing along smoothly, I find myself thinking about God and His ways less and less.
Looking back to even a few months back, I can sense the drastic difference in my prayers. The intimacy is missing, since I've filled my time with long to-do lists and stuff that I want to organise. There have been times when I have consciously chosen not to seek His will or ask His guidance because I thought I could do things so much faster if I didn't waste time waiting to hear from God! Slowly I've found less time for God and more time for check-lists, since I have to get my home and life up and running in this new city after all. I'm amazed at how easy it is to delude myself!
The more I look at God, the more clearly I see how utterly unworthy I am. When I need Him, I'm completely oblivious to everything else. But once things are going my way, I so easily slip back to a state of lukewarmness. Yet, God still comes looking for me – fickle and faithless though I am. His grace always leaves me speechless. God in His infinite mercy has been using this homesickness to nudge me back to Him. Only in a close walk with Him will I have peace, solace and joy as I begin living in this new city. Without Him, all is lost.
So I am learning to choose God, especially when I don't have a desperate request. To just go to Him to enjoy His company. To make time to sit still and hear Him speak, even in the midst of transitions. And all the while clinging to His word as a daily encouragement,
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